You May Kiss the Bride
by Underlined Twice
Summary: Hermione and Severus fight their way through the various milestones of married life. Sequential HGSS oneshots
1. The Wedding

**You May Kiss the Bride**

By Underlined Twice

* * *

"Severus, do you take this woman to be your wife?" 

"I suppose I must."

"And Hermione, do you take this man to be your husband?"

"If he insists."

"No one's forcing you to do anything, you silly bint."

"You're the one who got me all confused then shoved a ring in my face!"

"So now you're going to plead stupidity? How incredibly mature. Not even Potter could back you up on that one."

"Hey, Professor? Don't bring me into this."

"I never made you propose, you know. I didn't even want to get married. Ever."

"That's not what you were saying last night."

"Considering what _you_ said last night, I suppose you wouldn't mind if I went and snogged Harry!"

"You made promises and I'm keeping you to them."

"Oh, come now, _sweetheart._ Don't pretend that you've never lied before."

"Lies, were they? Then I suppose you had better go molest Potter."

"You are the most _insufferable_ man I have ever had the misfortune of knowing!"

"I try."

"Um…Hermione? Severus?"

"_What?_"

"You have to answer the question properly."

"What question?"

"Do you want to marry him?"

"Fine! I bloody well do!"

"Severus?"

"Very well, then. After all, the ring is not returnable."

"Then I pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride."

"Oh, no, he may not! He will be sleeping on the couch for the next few years."

"In my own home? I think not."

"Psst! Harry! Are they always like this?"

"Pretty much. I've gotten used to it, even with the threats of molestation."

"Why don't they just kiss and get it over with?"

"Pride. Amusement. I think they're having fun."

"That's sick. Oi! Mione! Just kiss him already!"

"I would appreciate it, Mr. Weasley, if you kept your comments to yourself and—"

"…You know, Harry, I'm starting to wish I hadn't told her to do that."

"Oh look, Ron, they're coming back up for air."

"Miss Granger, I believe that was highly inappropri—"

"Shut up, Severus. It's Mrs. Snape now."

"You do realize I will be forced to punish you."

"I'm looking forward to it."

"Should we be hearing this?"

"What you shouldn't be doing is commenting, Mr. Potter. _Silencio."_

"You, Severus, are unbelievable."

* * *

Author's Note: I wrote this a while ago for Ashwinder (didn't get in since the "unbelievable" challenge was closed) and just came across it now. My first shot at Severus/Hermione and dialogue-only.

Reviews are always welcome. Nudge nudge wink wink, say no more, ad nauseaum.


	2. The Reception

**Part Two: The Reception**

by Underlined Twice

* * *

"I hate you."

"Of course you --- watch that corkscrew! Bloody hell, woman!"

"I really, really do."

"I see. One would think that the newlywed euphoria would have lasted longer. I must write an extremely vexed letter to the Ministry, demanding a new wife as the first one was faulty."

"That's it! We're getting an annulment! I'm sorry, Severus, but I just can't take it anymore. I'm leaving you and taking the toaster with me."

"Annulment, you say? I suppose that would work wonders, except for the insignificant detail of proof."

"Don't be ridiculous, Severus. Even if we wanted to --- which we _don't_ --- we wouldn't have had _time_ to shag by now."

"Are you certain, Mrs. Snape?"

"That's the soon-to-be-annulled Mrs. Snape to you. And yes, I'm certain."

"Then I assume you've forgotten about that time underneath that _lovely_ arrangement of faberge eggs and poinsettias Mrs. Weasley put so much effort into."

"…You promised never to mention that again."

"Did I? How clumsy of me. I --- what did I _tell_ you about the corkscrew, woman? Point it _away_ from the major arteries!"

"You promised _never_ to mention that _ever_ again!"

"Very well. I promise, for a second time, never to utter a sound about what you called the best night of your life. Satisfied, dear?"

"You know full well that I took that back once we practically rammed heads with Sirius and Remus!"

"Apparently Molly's decorations are a heretofore undiscovered aphrodisiac. Shall I go warn her in case her next batch of holiday cheer sparks a forbidden tryst between Moody and that rather debonair-looking topiary over there? Oh, stop glaring at me. It ill-suits your face and you know it. Besides, who would have thought that Lupin was the dominant one in their relationship?"

"…The look on Sirius' face _was_ almost worth it."

"I'm glad you agree. However, I do believe that Moody is moving our way, looking somewhat aggravated. Perhaps I am too late with my warnings about the topiary. Pity."

"Hermione! Severus!"

"Hello, Molly."

"It's time to cut the cake! And a good thing, too. Alastor has been asking me about my Christmas arrangements. You know, the ones with the eggs and flowers? I must say, the wedding cheer has gone straight to his head! Next thing you know, he'll start his own topiary business and the Ministry will be left without their favourite paranoid Auror and --- Severus? Hermione? Why are you smiling like that?"

* * *

_Here's to all 19 reviewers and everyone else who wanted a follow-up. Cheers, people._


	3. The Honeymoon

**Part Three: The Honeymoon**

by Underlined Twice

* * *

"So."

"How eloquent."

"Don't be an arse, Severus. Stop smirking and come show me what you can do."

"…As appealing as you make it sound, I'm afraid I will be forced to decline."

"_What?_"

"I'm quite comfortable where I am."

"But… but… we're on our honeymoon!"

"How very astute."

"Severus!"

"Yes?"

"…"

"I'm waiting."

"Come on, Severus. It's not like we haven't done it before. You were more than comfortable in the past. …Not to mention quite good at it."

"_Then _we had privacy."

"You don't call this private? We're on a bloody _deserted island!_"

"And I cannot imagine how I let you talk me into coming here."

"I… You… _argh! _What's the point of _having _a honeymoon if you're just going to sit there reading back issues of Potions journals all day?!"

"_I_ wanted to stay in Scotland, if you remember. If you had listened to me, we wouldn't be having this argument now."

"It's the middle of winter, Severus. What kind of honeymoon would that be?"

"A mutually pleasing one, I'd imagine, spent in the comfort of my estate."

"_Severus._"

"I am _not_ moving from this chair, not even with you dressed like that."

"What about… like _this?_"

"Hermione, what are you…? Wait, put your top back… Sweet Merlin…"

"Now that I have your undivided attention, are you going to come swim with me?"

"…If you insist."

* * *


	4. The Newlyweds

**Part Four: The Newlyweds**  
by Underlined Twice

* * *

"It's good to be back."

"When compared with that infernal sandbox you dragged me to, it is quite nice."

"I'm going to ignore that comment about our honeymoon and remind you about what you said in regards to thinking of Hogwarts as your home."

"A mere side effect of living here for ten consecutive months every year."

"Say what you will. I know better. Would you pass me my robe?"

"You don't need it."

"Of course I do! I have to make up my lesson plans and submit them to Albus for inspection. I can't very well manage that from bed."

"You don't need to do it now. You have two more weeks to fulfill those pesky obligations. …You know, you could just use Filius' old plans. Those worked well enough for you when you were a student. The dunderheads you'll be teaching probably won't learn even half of the material anyway."

"'Well enough'? _Well enough?_"

"Yes, well enough! Filius was a good professor and—"

"And what? I'm not _as_ good? I need to leach off of my predecessor simply to have more time to laze about in bed, listening to you insult and _complain _about the students and our lovely honeymoon"

"You call an onslaught of jellyfish 'lovely'? You're lucky I'm well-read in Mediwizardry and was able to heal the worst of it!"

"That's not the point and you know it! I am the youngest Charms _and _Potions Mistress in a century, not to mention the reason Death Eaters aren't swarming the countryside! I do _not _need to use Filius' old lesson plans to ensure that _all _of my students will learn _all _of the material!"

"I do believe, my dear, that you are forgetting one little detail. If it weren't for me you wouldn't have even _thought _of that charm to corral the Death Eaters, _not to mention_ the trouble you had with the corresponding Arithmantic calculations! Just like a Gryffindor to take all the credit for someone else's hard work!"

"…That was low. Even for you, Severus."

"Hermione, I—"

"I'm going to go write up _my own_ lesson plans now. If the words 'I'm sorry, I was wrong' are in your vocabulary, you'll know where to find me."

…_A few minutes later…_

"Severus, could you come here please?"

"Hermione, before you say anything else, I want you to know that I _am_ sorry. I—"

"Severus."

"Yes?"

"Why didn't you tell me it was _three o'clock _in the bloody morning?"

"…Is it really? Imagine that."

"_Severus."_

"What? You seemed adamant about getting those lesson plans done and who am I to hinder your visions of academic grandeur?"

"Severus, you are unbelievable."

"Yes, I am. Now let's go back to bed. It is, after all, three o'clock in the morning."

"…This doesn't let you off the hook for those insults, you know."

"No, but it may very well lead to noisy make-up sex. What do you say?"

"…"

"Hermione?"

"…Lead the way, Professor."

* * *

Author's Note: Thanks go to ALL my fabulous reviewers (I _LAFF_ YOU GUYS!) and the next part is about half-way written so you can expect it within the next six months (_see?_ I'm getting more realistic with my promises!). 


	5. The Decision

**Part Five: The Decision**  
by Underlined Twice

* * *

"You seem worried."

"Worried? Me? Don't be absurd."

"What's wrong, Severus?"

"Nothing is wrong. I am perfectly content."

"Only content?"

"I have one last class of first years in a few minutes. I would be utterly jubilant if it weren't for the impending explosions."

"Well, don't get yourself sent to the hospital wing. Unless, of course, you've forgotten about our Friday nights…"

"Never. They're the highlights of my drab little life."

"No need to sound so enthusiastic, dear. But then again… Drab, you say? Well, then. We might as well… get _started _a little early, hm?"

"What do you— Hermione, please… As much as I enjoy this… Oh God, yes! Wait, stop. No, don't— Sweet Merlin…"

"Do you really want me to stop?"

"No—_Yes._ What if the latest know-it-all decides to arrive early? It would seriously hurt my chances of seducing her in ten years or so."

"I should definitely stop, then. I wouldn't want to damage your future romances. After all, I won't hand you off to just anyone."

"Come here, witch."

"Oh, no you don't. You're the one who wanted to stop, remember? Anyway, I have to go get ready for dinner and _dessert_, if you know what I mean."

"Hermione…"

"Yes?"

"…"

"Cat got your tongue?"

"I was… Well, I was thinking…"

"Go on."

"What if… oh, never mind. Go on, I'll see you at dinner."

"Severus, is something wrong?"

"…Don't take the potion tonight, Hermione."

"What potion? Severus, what's going on?"

"The con— The contraceptive potion. Don't take it tonight."

"Are you… Does this mean you want…"

"Yes."

"Severus…"

"I know we haven't really talked about it, but… I do love you, Hermione. I don't say it nearly enough, but I do. And I think — I mean, statistically it would be the appropriate time to, er, _expand_ upon that a bit."

"'Statistically'?

"Yes, studies show—"

"Severus. Those _studies_ don't matter. What's important is if we're ready for this step, and, more importantly, if you and I really _want_ this child. Oh, stop that. This _is_ a child we're talking about, you know."

"I know."

"…"

"Say something, will you?"

"I don't really know what to say. I always assumed that you didn't want children."

"If you are referring to my teaching style, you are also forgetting that any descendant I would claim as my own would most certainly not be an incompetent little wretch."

"That's debatable."

"You realise, Madam Snape, that in insulting _my _offspring, you are also abusing your own."

"Yes… that's the thing. See, I believed that you'd never want any children, and so I never though that this would come up and therefore, I wouldn't have to worry about my… thoughts on the issue, but now you want kids and I can't… I just… That was a horrible run-on sentence, wasn't it?"

"Truly terrible… But Hermione, are you trying to say that you don't wish to have children?"

"It's not that I don't want to! Really, it's not."

"Are you… unable to, then?"

"No, not really."

"…As much as I hate to admit it, I believe I'm at a loss here."

"I'm sorry, Severus, I just… I… The thought of being pregnant just scares me, all right?"

"Sc—?"

"—And I'm afraid I won't love the thing enough, that I'll resent it when things don't go well, and that I'll saddle it a God-awful name that will scar it for life!"

"…"

"_Say something._"

"I'm not going to feed you false platitudes, Hermione. I believe that you will make an excellent mother, and you can choose whether or not you're going to agree with me."

"But the—"

"The name is of little consequence, really. _I_ managed to survive even though my parents saw fit to grace me with a less than considerate name. Oh, come now, Hermione. Do try to stay upright while laughing at my expense. Or, better yet, discontinue your embarrassing display immediately as I believe there are students gathering at the door."

"Oh dear… I'd better go. Severus?"

"Yes?"

"About the _potion_… Give me some time to think it over?"

"As much time as you need."

* * *

**A/N**: A slightly less argumentative, slightly more serious one this time. Thanks again to all my reviewers! 


	6. The Morning

**Part Six: The Morning**  
by Underlined Twice

* * *

"_Tap tap tap"_

"Go 'way…"

"_Tap tap tap"_

"…Sev?"

"_Mmph."_

"_Tap tap tap"_

"What's that noise?"

"Mrphle…"

"_Fine._ I'll go see."

"Grnmp."

"Hmph… too bloody early… damn noises… honestly, some people…"

"_Tap tap tap"_

"I'm _coming!_ …Oh my! Severus, wake up. We've accidentally slept in. Breakfast is already here. _Wake up."_

"_Bngrfh_."

"Severus! Fine. I'm eating your pastries."

"Mmrgh."

"_Tap tap tap."_

"Oh! I completely forgot. Here I come. Thanks for waiting, Thucydides. Severus! Post's here!"

"Fngrfhn."

"Severus, _wake up._ …Are you awake now? Oh, don't look at me like that. You have no reason to be so depressed. Maybe this year you'll get through final exams without developing that interesting eye twitch."

"_Erghn._"

"Take your face out of the pillow and come get your mail."

"…_Fine._ I'm awake, you bloody nag."

"Good morning to you, too, dear. It seems you have a letter from… oh, what's his name? The fellow from the Hungarian Potions conference."

"The one who thought you were my _granddaughter?_"

"That's the one! Can't say I liked him much…"

"You should have let me hex him."

"Your breakfast and his letter are over there, and I didn't let you hex him because I knew you wouldn't have wanted to make a scene. But really, wasn't it enough to publicly prove every one of his theories wrong?"

"That _was _rather amusing, wasn't it?"

"One of your shining moments, darling. What does he have to say?"

"…Hm. He's informing me of a spontaneous career change. Apparently, due to my comments at the conference, he decided that Potions is not his forte — his words, not mine —"

"I was just about to say."

"Yes, well. He's decided to abandon Potions as an occupation and pursue his dream of being a professional stoat breeder."

"…Are you serious?"

"Deadly so. Have a look. …See? Not even _I_ have that kind of imagination. Now stop your infernal cackling and leave me to my breakfast."

"Gladly. Although, I will follow up on my threat to steal a pastry… Mm, raspberry. Your favourite."

"How did I manage to get shackled to a thieving harpy such as you?"

"By stumbling over professions of love, then saying 'Oh sod it' and shoving a ring in my face."

"…I'd almost managed to forget that embarrassing evening. Thank you _so_ much for reminding me."

"At least you had good taste in jewellery. I'm sure the entire thing would've been unbearable had the ring been hideous."

"I'm trying to _eat,_ woman! Please refrain from attempting to upset my stomach, preferably until _after_ exams."

"Oh, look. There's that eye twitch."

"_Hermione._"

"What? I'm merely taking advantage of one of the few times you're not at your snarky best. Oh, right. Like I'm intimidated by your glaring at this point. Well, think about it, Severus. I adore poking fun at you and I can only do it when you're not thinking as clearly as usual, which is either when you first wake up or right after sex. Which one do you prefer?"

"_Mmph_."

"Don't speak with your mouth full, Severus. Honestly, at times you can be as bad as —"

"Don't you _dare_ compare me to those heathens you call friends."

"All right. If you insist. Although, while we're speaking of them… I do wish you'd at least _try on_ the jumper Molly made you."

"I may tolerate the woman, but I will not subject myself to that aesthetic disaster of a sweater."

"I still say that stitch was _meant _to be there."

"I may not be well-versed in the realm of knitting, Madam Snape, but any house elf could see that the jumper would serve better as a dishrag than an article of clothing. Now, I would like to finish my meal in peace while you run about frantically, trying to get ready for your class that starts in five — no, _four _minutes."

"_Bloody hell!"_

"I suppose it would be too much to ask for you to have learned your lesson about stealing my pastries?"

"_Argh!"_

"Just as I thought."

* * *


	7. The Sorting

**Part Seven: The Sorting**  
by Underlined Twice 

* * *

"Oh, this is so exciting, Severus!" 

"You'll get over it soon enough. The novelty will wear off and you'll end up buying barrels of red ink."

"Why bother ordering new ones? You still have half a dozen left from last year's midterms."

"_Abbey, Collins."_

"Look, Severus! That one is definitely a Gryffindor!"

"Nonsense. He'd crack under the pressure of a feather. Hufflepuff, I'd say."

"Shows what you—"

"_HUFFLEPUFF!_"

"…Okay, that was a lucky guess."

"Reluctant to accept my superiority, Miss Granger?"

"Hardly, you overgrown bat."

"_Aranus, Joanna."_

"There's one of yours."

"Are you mad? What self-respecting Slytherin would be named 'Joanna'?"

"_SLYTHERIN!_"

"Don't look so smug, Hermione. It might please you to know that the Miss Aranus' parents are rather infamous for their hatred of Slytherins."

"Oh my."

"Indeed. They both graduated a year before you and the rest of your miserable classmates started."

"Now, Severus—"

"_Beauvoir, Anna."_

"Ravenclaw."

"Rubbish. She's obviously a slothful miscreant Gryffindor, just like — stop glaring, dear — the _majority _of your house."

"And this is coming from the man who claimed that house rivalries are silly traditions that should have no effect on one's adult life?"

"I have never said such a thing. I believe you are putting _Minerva's _words into my mouth. All I have ever said is that rivalries build character. And Merlin knows your house needs it."

"_Severus!_ I clearly heard you say those exact words. Although… I think you were asleep at the time…"

"…I actually think I remember now that you mention it. And wipe that silly grin off your face, woman. That was one of the most frightening nightmares I've ever had."

"I believe the rivalries comment was followed by 'twelve million points to Mister Longbottom.'"

"_GRYFFINDOR!"_

"…"

"Go on! Say it."

"Say what?"

"'I told you so.'"

"I am a Snape, madam. We never stoop so low as to actually _say_ those words. We let our delightfully expressive manner say it for us."

"Bah!"

"_Biondino, Clinton."_

"…"

"Aren't you going to make an ill-thought out prediction, Madam Snape?"

"I was waiting for you to make a guess so I could prove you wrong again."

"Very well. He's another Slytherin."

"…You know, I actually think you're right. He has that shifty look about him."

"_HUFFLEPUFF!_"

"…"

"Face it, Severus. You're losing your touch."

"You agreed with me, you silly woman."

"Ah yes, but since this is my first Sorting, it can be argued that I never had a touch to lose."

"She finally speaks sense."

"You're lucky I love you. Elsewise, I would've strangled you by now."

"I'd like to see you try. It would give me something amusing to think of during staff meetings. I've been sustaining myself so far with images of Pomona's hat collection becoming carnivorous. …Don't snort, Hermione. It isn't fitting of a Snape."

"_Cartwright, Jack."_

"Either Hufflepuff or Gryffindor."

"Hm… Despite his… effeminate side, I'd still say Gryffindor. I'm sure he'll do something monumentally stupid in the first week that will have him in the Hospital Wing for a month."

"What, you mean like Mister Thames? Your beloved, _Slytherin_ prodigy who ruined fourteen cauldrons in twenty minutes?"

"I'll have you know that no one was injured in that incident. _And_ his parents bought twenty new cauldrons of better quality to replace the ones he melted. One might think that Mister Thames'… _spirited _behavior was actually a good idea, _unlike_ the class full of blue-faced fifth-years who managed to miscast the Bubblehead Charm to suffocate them all."

"I was confined to the Hospital Wing! How was I supposed to know that they'd try to continue class without me?"

"_GRYFFINDOR!"_

"Sigh… Well, good for him, I suppose. It seems like there won't be any new Ravenclaws this year."

"Oh dear. I fear my heart will break."

"Shut up, Severus."

"How _wonderfully_ articulate, madam."

"I ought to—"

"_Cummerbund, Ryan_."

"Yes, my dear?"

"…Never mind. This one's a Gryffindor too."

"No, he's a Ravenclaw."

"I don't think that's quite right. There's something… different about this one. Possibly a Slytherin."

"Definitely not a Slytherin. His parents were Clooney and Patagonia Roberts, both drop-out Hufflepuffs."

"Wait… Clooney Roberts? I heard that he was a Gryffindor. Were you teaching when he left?"

"No, he and his woefully-named wife came and went in the five years between my graduation and the start of my doomed career."

"That _is_ odd… I'll have to look them up in the library tomorrow."

"_SLYTHERIN!"_

"…I'll help you with that research."

"Want to make sure your pure Slytherins aren't tainted with Hufflepuff blood?"

"Now that you mention it, I believe one of the Notts came up with a charm to remove those bloodstains. Quite useful, actually. I don't know _how _many robes had to be thrown out before it was created."

"Severus!"

"_Hogan-Kidd, Joseph."_

"Where are all the _female_ firsties?"

"A Dark spell was going around during the bleakest parts of the War, ensuring that any child conceived would be male. The purebloods were concerned with having no one to carry on the family name and so they decided to follow the Carrows' brilliant lead and use the spell. Unfortunately, I do believe it leaked out to the general populace."

"Why haven't I heard of this before?"

"It was one of those strictly man-to-man things. I was approached by Avery about it about ten years back and I must say it was one of his less-flattering moments."

"So I guess this limits your options for your future know-it-all suductee?"

"Most terribly."

"Well… you know, I wouldn't mind if I had to pass you off to a strapping young man instead of a beauteous young lady."

"You are twisted, madam. Sick and twisted."

"I get it from you, darling. Now, I think this next one's a Slytherin."

"He might have to change his name, but I must agree with you nonetheless."

"_HUFFLEPUFF!"_

"_Another_ one? What the bloody hell is this, a rebellion?"

"Now, Severus…"

"Do you think it's too late to hand in my resignation? Can I refuse to teach this new legion of Hufflepuffs?"

"I'm afraid you're just going to have to face it, Severus. Underneath it all, every Slytherin is just a big dewdrop."

* * *

**A/N:** Almost 10,000 hits! And 56 reviews! WOW, you guys! You cheer up my bleak existence! 

_**IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT:**_

_...Drumroll..._ I am hereby _announcing a small _**Contest **of sorts! Each of the firsties sorted in this chapter is based off of a person/character in either a movie or a book (90 percent movies, actually). There are **clues** placed in the dialogue and in the names as to who they are.

Whoever can correctly guess the most will be **featured** in an upcoming chapter AND/OR in the actual-prose sequel to this that I'm thinking of writing (and will possibly get a fan picture of themselves and the characters). Please **don't cheat **by copying off of what other people guess. The Contest will be **open **until further notice. It depends on how many responses it gets. (Or, alternatively, the first person to get them all right.)

_**HAVE AT IT!**_


	8. The Interlude

**Part Eight: The Interlude**  
by Underlined Twice

* * *

"Severus." 

"What do you want, you nattering hag?"

"Don't you want to say something?"

"Oh sweet Merlin. Don't tell me you've turned into one of those insufferable women who live life believing that 'he would be able to tell what I'm thinking if he truly loved me.'"

"Of course not! I just thought today was… you know. Rather _special._"

"What important date have I missed? You'd best come right out an tell me. Although, I must warn you… if you 'subtly' try to jog my memory by throwing things at my head, I shall hex you."

"Very well, then. As of today, we've been through the first eight and a half months of our marriage."

"…You are the silliest woman I have ever met. What's so bloody special about eight and a half months?"

"It's not _our_ time that's so significant—"

"'Our time?'"

"Yes. You see, we don't behave in a properly chronological manner. After all, education is the first priority!"

"Explain yourself, Hermione, and be quick about it. What nonsense are you going on about?"

"Our lives have to be worked in around college, chores and Disney, so our timeline isn't exactly _parallel_ to the Author's. Therefore—"

"'Author?' …Oh, I see! You thought this would be funny, didn't you? A little prank to perhaps rival the Weasley twins or even Albus himself! It's times like these that I wish you were a student so I could take points off for being a bloodsucking little fraud!"

"…Severus?"

"It's quite unfortunate you never had any credibility to destroy in the first place, _Sybil._ Oh, don't pretend to be shocked. I know this is one of your little games, you parasite! I pity the wizard you swindled into making the Polyjuice for you, Merlin knows you haven't the mental capacity to make it yourself!"

"_Severus!_ I am _not_ Sybil Trelawney. I am your _wife_, and I am _trying _to remind you of _You May Kiss the Bride_'s first anniversary!"

"…Oh."

"Indeed."

"…I assume this is why you made me stand for a portrait last month?"

"Yes, it's a present to the readers. The Author wanted them to have something special for encouraging Her to continue our story."

"Are you suggesting that we are merely characters in some adolescent chit's book?"

"Well… no, not exactly. We _are_ in a book, several actually, but… ah… _our _Author didn't write them."

"Excuse me?"

"I could go into a lecture about copyrighting and plagiarism and fangirls, but it's the first anniversary! I'll explain the concept of fanfiction to you later, but for now let's just give the gifts to Her readers and then we can be on our way."

"Oh, very well. Get on with it."

"Thanks for cooperating, Severus. I'll make it up to you, I promise. Okay! The Author has given me this message to pass on to all of you:

"HEY GUYZ!!!!!!! (and galz hahahahaha!!!)  
THX SOOOOOOOO MUCH FOR REEDING MY FICY!!!!!!!11 UR DA BEST!!!!!!!!!! i dont relly get wat u say sometiems but i no u like my storry ALOT:P OH!!1 and teh contest is stil lopen if any if u wanna piccy of u with sev and hermoine!!! lyke from Disneyland with teh cinderela and bell!!!! ;D Or if u wanna b in teh fic as 1 of the fristies u can do that to!!!! i luv u guyz!!!!!! ur teh best readers evar!1!1!!!!!  
HARTS!!! roxxxy"

"…"

"…"

"…my ears_…"_

"…my _eyes… I'm_ the one who had to read and interpret the bloody thing!"

"But you have the uncommon ability to convey improper use of punctuation through speech, so I stand by my previous statement: _my EARS_. I can wash and wash, yet I will never be clean."

"Oh dear… There's a second part to the note…"

"Oh sweet succulent Salazar! I'll be in the office, adding the memory of that monstrosity to the childhood traumas in my Pensieve!"

"Okay, here goes nothing. It reads:

"To whom it may concern,

These past twelve months have been truly glorious. There have been the ups and downs, the long, dreary months of static and the wild, passionately frenzied days of divine inspiration. You, my dear readers, must allow me to express my appreciation for those who deign to visit that wondrous pop-up that is the review box. You have given me a gift beyond mere words and I am eternally indebted to each and every one of you for it. As such, I have created a first anniversary gift to all of my readers: the portrait. It is nothing much, just a trifle, merely a token of my gratitude. It is located on my DeviantArt account which you can find through the link to my homepage on my profile. For every hit, I will know that I have made someone, somewhere the slightest bit happier with my artistic scribblings, and that, dear readers, is what life is truly about.

Your eternally obedient servant,

Miss R. Barrett"

"…"

"That wasn't so bad, Severus, now was it?"

"'And that is what life is truly about?' What kind of rubbish is this? I refuse to be written by such a sentimental fool. I want a new author. No, I _demand_ a new one! I absolutely—"

"…Oh my."

"…"

"See, Severus? You shouldn't anger the Author. Don't look so panicked. She only decided that you no longer have vocal chords to insult Her with. She has power over these types of things you know."

"…"

"Yes, yes. I will help you exact your revenge on Her later. As it is, the readers have a picture to go see, and our beloved Author was crafty enough to bestow upon me some _very_ clever ideas on what to do with you in your silent state…"

* * *

**A/N: **Happy 1st Anniversary folks! I meant to do Severus and Hermione's first anniversary installment for today, but I keep on coming up with ideas for new ones that take place in between now and then. SO, I will keep on updating and we'll get there eventually. 

The Anniversary Gift is on my DeviantArt account. My ID is '**belipsticked**'. Apparently 'underline2' was already taken. Go figure.

_Sorry it took me so long to get it up! The Upload thingie isn't working for some bizarre reason and the support page is down. I had to replace an old backup file to get this to you all!_


	9. The Firsties

**Part Nine: The Firsties**

by Underlined Twice

* * *

"Come on! Step lively, chaps!"

"I don't like it down here. It's so… dark and damp."

"Good thing you weren't sorted into Slytherin then, ay?"

"Shut up, Joanna."

"Quiet, all of you! We're almost there."

"Where are we going, again?"

"He's showing us… what was it, Hayden?"

"'The Secret Lives of Professors.' This particular trip is a look into the lives of Professors Snape and Granger."

"That's the one."

"We're going to see P-Professor _Snape?_"

"Didn't you know? Why are you even on this tour to begin with?"

"Well, Clinton was going, so I just thought…"

"You're such a dweeb, Colin."

"Collins, not Colin!"

"Quiet, Filch is coming!"

"Oh no! We're done for!"

"'Ere now, what's all this about, Mister Torrington?"

"Nothing to get upset over, Mister Filch! I'm just showing the firsties around the castle. Kind of a tour. Pointing out trick steps and such."

"You sure you're not up to anything… _suspicious?_"

"Why, no! Not at all! Come along, firsties. Quickly, now. We have much to see and less time to see it in."

"…"

"Phew! That was close!"

"I don't like this. We're going to get caught!"

"Oh, be quiet, Collins. We're almost there."

"All right, now I want each and every one of you to be silent. We are approaching the lair of the Snapes. The cave of the Greasy Bat of the Dungeons. We mustn't get caught."

"What does Professor Granger see in him?"

"I don't know, and shut up."

"Okay… o-kay… there! _Sonorus summisse._ Listen, you'll hear them arguing!"

"…_I can't believe you, Severus!"_

"_It's _your _cousin. Why should I be forced to suffer?"_

"_It's not just my cousin, it's one of my closest childhood friends' wedding!"_

"_So go. Dance. Be merry. Drink 'til you're sloshed up to the gills."_

"Severus_. I want you to go with me."_

"_Well, I _don't_. And I suggest you drop the matter before I get angry with you."_

"_You can shove that suggestion up your arse! You are going to that wedding with me whether you like it or not!_

"She's dead! He's going to kill her, I just know it!"

"Quiet, Collins. No one's going to die. Get seriously maimed, maybe. But no deaths."

"Ssshh! He's saying something!"

"_How dare you speak to me like that, you impudent chit! You may be my wife, but I am still the master of this family! What I say goes, and I am _not_ going to that wedding."_

"_You forget, _darling_, that I am better at charms than you'll ever be! Imagine what your students would think if they found out what your start-of-term speech was _really_ about! "Foolish wand waving" indeed. And because I am so much more adept at wards than you, dear, you'll rethink your previous statement if you feel like gracing my bed any time soon!"_

"_I will _not_ let you parade me about your relatives like a prize Shetland pony! Flash your wedding band if you want them to know you finally got a man to marry you. It will save them the trouble of setting you up with unrelated, single dunderheads and me the pain of being stared at by dozens of muggles who wouldn't know a proper potion from a pincushion!"_

"See? This is what happens when you marry a muggleborn!"

"Shut up, Joanna."

"_I went to all those factually inaccurate seminars about things we learned in first year and the boring lectures about the size of the lip on one's cauldron before we got married. And why? Because they were important to you! This wedding is important to _me."

"_Because you enjoy seeing me tortured? Why do you feel the need to make me socialize with your disturbingly rodent-like relatives?"_

"_First off, that's not very nice, and secondly, I'm not talking about my great-aunt Muriel."_

"_Ah, so you _are_ trying to foist me off onto some unsuspecting relation!"_

"_It's not like that, Severus."_

"_Oh, really? Do tell. I'm sure you have a _fascinating_ explanation for all this."_

"…_It's my cousin Simon."_

"_Hm, I see. You have a deep loathing for this cousin and instead of hexing him into oblivion, you decide that a more tortuous approach is necessary. You make him talk with me for five minutes instead and he dies from sarcasm and intimidation. Problem solved."_

"_Don't be an arse, Severus. Simon isn't really my cousin, he just married one of them a while back. They got divorced, but he still lurks about at family functions."_

"_How does this pertain to _me?_"_

"_Well, I'm one of the few females left of my generation who hasn't had a big, flashy wedding. As far as I know, most of the family still thinks I'm single."_

"_Like I said, Hermione. Show them your wedding ring and leave me out of it!"_

"_I tried wearing a ring before and it didn't work! Simon still tried to grope—"_

"…_Hermione?"_

"_Look, I would really appreciate it if you would come with me to the wedding and help me put Simon in his place once and for all."_

"_Are you saying that this pseudo-cousin of yours has made unwanted advances and you wish for me to break his wrist if he tries again?"_

"_Well, yes, I suppose. The bone to be broken is up to you, of course."_

"_And you couldn't come out and say that instead of _ordering_ me to the wedding? Really, Hermione. I thought you were more intelligent than that."_

"…"

"_At least you have the decency to look embarrassed by your conduct."_

"_The threat about the bed still stands, you know."_

"_Ah, then we shall have to make do without it, won't we?"_

"…_It _has_ been a while since we got any use out of the hearth rug…"_

"_Perhaps I can take back that comment about your intelligence as that is a truly _intriguing _idea…"_

"_Mmmhh… Severus… wait, stop… just for a second… we wouldn't want any interruptions, hm? _Colloportus! Silencio!"

"_Finite Incantatem._ There, the secret lives of Professors Snape."

"Eew! That's disgusting!"

"I know! How can _Snape_ and Professor Granger… ugh!"

"I'll never be able to look at him again."

"Her either! How can she stand him? He's so… greasy and evil and _mean!"_

"And did you _hear_ the way she yelled at him? How can she get away with that?"

"I heard she used to be his student. Isn't that creepy?"

"Eew!"

"Okay, firsties. You can talk about this as you walk. No sense in loitering in the corridor. Be sure to come back next week for the Secret Life of Professor McGonagall! Same time and price!"

* * *

**Author's Notes:**

I liiiiiiive! I've been wanting to write this one for a while. The argument was a little bit tough to get through, but I just finished a chapter of Base Noir so I'm still in Pietro-writing-mode and he's more like Draco than Severus. But no matter! It was still fun.

Thanks to… Ella Mae, The Creatress, KarlaMarie, Pickled Princess, akila-vilya and sportyhotchick (I think this last one was a compliment. How hard is it to vomit and laugh at the same time?).


	10. The Gift

**Part Ten: The Gift**  
by Underlined Twice

* * *

"Hello, Severus. Lovely day, isn't it?" 

"Mmm."

"I would offer you a lemon drop, but the house elves have whipped up a delicious batch of lemon meringue macaroons today and I wouldn't want to spoil your appetite for citrus-flavored delights."

"I completely agree."

"My goodness! I would never have thought you to be so keen on lemon. Although, I was talking to Sybill earlier and she did mention how a craving for the fruit can be a sign of imminent drowning."

"Quite so."

"Are you quite all right, Severus? You look a little peaked."

"That's nice."

"Merlin's lacy long johns! You're not even listening to me."

"How interesting."

"Hermione, Lord Voldemort and Victor Krum all just walked in and are leering at you in a most suggestive manner. If you could just drop your drawers and waggle your hips about, I'm sure they'd be quite satisfied for the moment and leave the rest of us to our lunch."

"How thoughtf—_what?_"

"Glad to have you back with us, Severus. Tea?"

"No, I do not want tea, you meddlesome old man!"

"Very well, then. Care to tell me what has your mind so preoccupied that you're dropping your guard in public places?"

"…"

"Come now, Severus. Something is obviously dominating your thoughts. You'll feel better once you get it off your chest."

"There's nothing to tell. If I wished to have a heart-to-heart with anyone, I'd most likely be discussing the matter with my wife, not you of all people."

"Ah, but Hermione is the subject of your dilemma, is she not?"

"…"

"Don't give me that look, Severus. One doesn't become an omniscient headmaster merely by chance, you know. So tell me: what's troubling you?"

"…Hermione's birthday."

"I thought so. The big day is tomorrow, correct? Yes, as I thought. Now, did you forget to buy her a gift?"

"No."

"Do you have a bit of bad news to tell her?"

"No."

"Then what has you so out of sorts, Severus?"

"…All right. Here's my problem…"

* * *

…_Later, in the Charms classroom…_

"Professor Granger? Might I have a word with you before your next class begins?"

"Of course, Headmaster. Here's your essay, Miss Torrington. We can go over Summoning Spells again tomorrow."

"Thank you, Professor!"

"Well, Hermione. Do you mind if I close the door?"

"Not at all, Albus. Please, have a seat. Would you like some tea?"

"No, thank you. Lemon drop?"

"You know I can't stand those things, yet you offer them to me every time we talk. Perhaps if you keep this up it'll be the stuff of legend in the next edition of Hogwarts: A History. What is it you wanted to speak to me about?"

"In honor of your birthday tomorrow, Pomona Sprout has offered to take over your patrol duties."

"That's very kind of her!"

"Yes, she is a sweet old girl."

"…Is that all, Albus?"

"Well, no. Say there was a… _hypothetical _situation where someone got someone else a gift, but felt it was too… eh… _impersonal_ and _pragmatic _to be apropos."

"Is this about Severus? Is this why he's been so horribly cruel to his students today?"

"No, no, no! Not at all! This is merely hypothetical."

"Hm."

"So, with that situation in mind, what would you advise the first person to do? In this purely hypothetical situation, that is."

"You tell _Severus _that he knows me well enough to get me something that will make me happy. Good _day,_ Headmaster."

* * *

…_The next evening, in the Snapes' living quarters…_

"Mhmm… thank you, Severus. This has been a wonderful birthday."

"Don't be silly. I haven't even given you your present yet."

"Leave it to me to marry a man who believes a birthday can't be good without material possessions."

"I suppose this means you don't want your gift? That I should send it back from whence it came?"

"If you do, I will hex you six ways from Sunday. I demand my present!"

"That's what I thought. Very well, here it is."

"An envelope?"

"It's what's _inside _the envelope, you silly girl. I am starting to think that your birthday cake had something dodgy in it, what with the way you're acting."

"…"

"Hermione?"

"…"

"Is something wrong?"

"This… it's… you bought me a new Potions lab? In Hogsmeade?"

"Well, it's _our_ new Potions lab, technically. But, yes. …You're not upset, are you?"

"_Upset! _How could I be upset? This is the best birthday present I've ever gotten! Thank you so much!"

"You're quite wel—_mmph!_"

"Mhmm… nothing better than a celebratory snog, hm? Now, tell me about our new lab."

"…Well, it's actually part of the apothecary down in the village. The man who runs it is thinking of retiring in a few years, so we might be able to eventually buy the entire lot. It has storage space and fifteen work stations. There's also a smallish office off one side that you can use for research and experiments. Don't think I haven't noticed the way you've been trying to find ways to mix Charms and Potions."

"If I succeed then you'll have to change your start-of-term speech, won't you? Foolish wand-waving, indeed."

"It is hoped that by that point I will have tendered my resignation and will therefore be saved the crushing blow to my reputation and legacy."

"Is there a Wizarding age of retirement? Where you're allowed to quit working and still get enough income to live?"

"In case you haven't noticed, there are plenty of purebloods who have never worked a day in their lives, while others, such as Albus, haven't once thought of retiring."

"Hm… Speaking of Albus, did he tell you about the _hypothetical_ situation he presented me with?"

"You mean he…?"

"Yes."

"Good God, the man truly is a lunatic."

"What _I_ want to know is what gift you originally got me?"

"What 'original' gift?"

"Albus said that you thought your original present for me wasn't personal enough. What was it?"

"This _was_ the original gift. …Hermione, stop laughing. I really don't see what is so humorous about this situation."

"I can't believe that you thought I wouldn't like _this!_"

"I knew you would like it, I was simply… _concerned _that it was not appropriate as a birthday gift."

"And here I thought you had gotten me something like a _shower cap_ or a self-cleaning oven!"

"It's certainly nice to know what you think of my taste in buying gifts."

"Oh, don't sound so sour, Severus. Albus said that you got me something impersonal and pragmatic. What was I to think?"

"What I suggest is to start thinking of various ways to bribe the house elves to compromise his stash of lemon drops in a _most_ unpleasant manner."

"I knew there was a reason why I fell in love with you — _apart _from the material goods, that is."

----------------

**A/N: **I'm almost at 100 reviews. Good god, people! I seriously love all of you! I swear, I could die from happiness if I hit that mark.

Anyway, I want to thank all my reviewers, both new and old. You're all amazing and deserve cookies, OtterPops and warm puppies. Really. It doesn't get much better than that.

In other news, I have decided that there will be **thirteen chapters** total to this… dare I call it a 'story'? I think I must! I am developing a very slight inkling that there might be a plot-like substance somewhere in here. And I am definitely planning a sequel or two, be they dialogue-only or otherwise.


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